Lol I actually don’t want to exist anymore… If all the factors of life lined up in any number of ways, I’d say goodbye. Nothing poetic, I probably won’t even write a letter at all, and nothing will mean anything as a message to the ones I knew when I’m dead, because everything was nothing when I was alive. I don’t have the energy to be symbolic and fucking make any points anymore, nothings has a meaning. Don’t look for a deeper message in my ways and my life and my death. There isn’t one. I’m too tired to create anymore.. All I can manage is to destroy. So ill destroy the only thing that’s mine. The only thing I have a right to throw to waste. I used to think it was so selfish. But now I look at all the things I’ve thrown away and wasted that are irreplaceable that I had no right to waste, all the wasted time and opportunities and hearts I’ve broke and the guilt and shame I’ve accumulated from letting down the hopes of all my proud family, even my mom, I bruised so many heavy hearts that were filled with the most love for me that I have ever known. And honestly it hurts, its devastatingly unbearable.. But if I were to die from my own hand, today or tomorrow or next year, it’d honestly be the least selfish thing I’ve ever done.
yours truly (ani)